Pages From Bo's Journals

March 3, 2015

An Irish guy named Finn invited me to join his band today. I figured it could be a bad idea, but I went over to his house and it seems like they all like my singing. The drummer is just way too cool for me to hang out with… well, they all are. I figure they’ll probably kick me out before too long. James, the drummer, has a dad that’s a real life music producer. Anima North, bass guitar and backup vocals, is just about the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen and she’s just unbelievably tough and strong. I can barely bring myself to talk to her.

While we were tuning up, Finn’s little sister came in and declared me her boyfriend by imperial right. She’s funny. She thinks she’s a princess, but she’s actually a judo master at like, twelve years old. Sad thing is, she’s probably stronger than me. But hey, today was one of the less bad days I’ve ever had. At least until I find out that all this was some elaborate prank or something.

October 17, 2015

Eric Klineman from Class A grabbed me as I was walking to drama club and carried me under his arm over to the cheer squad while I tried to get away. He just started up a conversation with those two really gorgeous cheerleaders, Sybil and Natalie, while they laughed at what a great fucking comedian he was for carrying me like a duffel bag. After a while he just squeezed me so hard that I fainted.

I woke up on the bleachers. Eric was between Natalie and Sybil, just yukking it up. I think it turned them on to see how easily he overpowered me. I don’t know how long I stared at them… I wanted to badly to hit Eric when he wasn’t looking. I wished I’d had a knife…. or a gun. I can totally understand how those guys in Colorado felt. Even if I’d hit Eric in the back, all that would’ve happened would have been him turning around and beating me into the ground. I couldn’t have taken the humiliation, so I just slunk away with my tail between my legs.

Life is like being in the ocean while tied to an anchor.

February 10, 2016

I had an erotic dream about one of my bandmates last night… James. I don’t know what it means. I always really liked him, but I didn’t think I was, like, ATTRACTED to him. I don’t think I’m gay… sometimes I have to wonder, though. I’ve never been with a girl. Could it be that it’s because I just don’t have it in me?

I guess it probably doesn’t matter. Nobody could ever really be interested in me. I’ll probably be alone my whole life. That’s the part that makes me think there might really be a God; the fact that I can so desperately want to be loved without ever having the capacity to be loved. It’s so painfully arranged that it feels like there must have been a grand design for it. A higher power that hates me.

March 2, 2016

I called home. Don’t know why. Dad was there, he talked to me for a little bit.

Sarah said she was so happy to hear from me, and she wasn’t lying. She’s always been so kind to me, and I don’t get why. Maybe that’s how love works… it can only come from someone who isn’t smart enough to know that they shouldn’t care. It still feels good, in a way. Like when Rhiannon hugs me… I know it’s not real, but it’s as close as someone like me can hope for.

April 3, 2016

can’t speak
can’t talk
can’t do anything they want
can’t hide
or change your mind
gonna live w/ all my soul
inside
can’t speak
can’t talk
can’t stop for the reeling cause
or love
i told ‘em all about it
can’t talk
cause i’m already lost
can’t think
can’t cry
keep thinking of a suicide
it’s hard
i just can’t forget it
gonna fade cause i’m already dead
can’t think
can’t dream
don’t care if i live or die
don’t talk
i just can’t believe it
gonna fade cause i’m already dead

September 23, 2016

My new teacher is so unbelievably sexy that I keep losing focus in class… I keep fantasizing that she’ll ask to see me after class and then tell me I need to be disciplined. Her name is Mori Sensei and I swear, when she bent over her desk during morning announcements it gave me such a hardon that I had to put all my books in my lap to keep everybody from seeing. If she asks me to stand up to answer questions… Jesus, I’m going to be humiliated…

December 8, 2016

We think Eve might be like us. I went over and talked to her, just to lay the groundwork for in case she Awakens. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I think I might have chosen my words poorly… after she left, I realized that she’d been blushing a lot. Also, Sybil punched me in the back of the head. I thought she was just being bitchy, but looking back, I think she was just doing her usual, terrible job of pointing out that I was using ambiguous phrasing.

I don’t know how to handle this… I don’t want to hurt Eve, but I’m afraid if I tell her the truth, she might be so embarrassed that she won’t let us help her when she finally does Awaken. I have to admit, I do kind of have feelings for her… not romantic ones, but like the feelings I have for my little sisters. I might talk a lot of shit about them, but I can admit to myself that I do love them, and it gave me a lot of happiness when I could actually do something for them. Like when Kelly came home crying, and I made her feel better by reading her palm.

Pages From Bo's Journals

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